


Loss

by soldiermom1973



Series: 1,000 years (A Reconciliation Story) [15]
Category: Mass Effect (Comics), Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: A Shoulder to Cry On, Angst, Comfort, F/M, Gen, Loss, Mindoir, N7 Month 2019, N7 month, Sympathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 08:46:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21443452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soldiermom1973/pseuds/soldiermom1973
Summary: It's the anniversary of the Mindoir raid and Allie's having a tough time with it.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko & Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Kaidan Alenko/Allie Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: 1,000 years (A Reconciliation Story) [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1460416
Kudos: 7





	Loss

**Author's Note:**

> For [N7 month](https://n7month.tumblr.com/post/188450175349/n7-month-challenge) over on tumblr, the prompt was 'loss'. I thought it would be a good time to touch on Allie's backstory a little.

It was late when Kaidan finally finished the training roster. He sent it to Allie for her approval and stretched. The ship was on its night cycle, so the ship was running with minimal crew and things were dark and quiet, just the way he liked it. He topped off his coffee and started to wander, giving his brain a chance to unwind so it would (hopefully) be easier for him to fall asleep.

He meandered up the stairs and through the CIC. There were only two or three people on duty here and none of them paid him any attention. He wasn't surprised to see Joker still occupying the pilot's seat and stuck around for a little, situating himself in the co-pilot's spot to make small talk with his friend. After a few minutes, he said, “You know if you don't soon hit the rack, Shepard will have your hide.”

“Yeah, I know,” Joker sighed, dragging his hand down his face. “I just don't trust anyone else at the helm, you know?”

“Joker, it's only for a few hours so you can get some sleep,” Kaidan admonished him. “It isn't like they're going to get the ship blown up in that time.”

“Hey, you never know. I mean, I stole the damn thing and made the test run in record time. There might actually be someone out there almost as good as I am.”

“Well, if they are and they're on this ship, I'm sure we'd have known about it by now. Seriously, Jeff. Log off, get your relief up here, and get some sleep.”

“Yeah, right. Sure thing,” Joker said, snapping off a half-assed salute.

Kaidan just chuckled and shook his head, knowing Joker would pump himself with some stims to stay in the pilot's seat. Allie would find out, chew him a new ass, order him to bed, and tell him if it happened again he'd have to answer to Dr. Chakwas who, quite frankly, could be a lot scarier than Allie when she wanted to be. Still, Joker _was_ a capable pilot who knew his limits. If he wasn't ready to relinquish his piloting duties for the night, Kaidan wasn't about to order him to. Besides, they were the same pay grade though technically Kaidan outranked him by time in service, he didn't feel right ordering the other man around. He made a mental note to give Allie a heads up about it.

His travels took him to the shuttle bay, which was abandoned at this hour. Ash was in a sleeper pod upstairs, Garrus somehow got his hands on a turian sleeper pod and installed it near where the requisitions officer was set up, and Wrex was sacked out inside the Mako. He meandered to the weapons bench, looking at the work Ash was doing to everyone's weapons. He could clean and maintain his own weapons well enough and seldom had any problems doing his own mods, either. Ash, though... She was a whiz when it came to installing mods on the team's firearms. Give her any weapon and any mod and she'd make it work.

He set his mug on her hot plate to warm his coffee up and rummaged through his locker, looking for his new helmet The last time he was on the Citadel with Allie, she was looking through the Spectre catalog and he spied a helmet with mods to enhance his biotics. They even had it in his favorite color - blue. He made an off-hand comment about it and Allie offered to get it for him. He refused, of course, because it wasn't cheap, but she wouldn't hear of it. She placed the order and had it delivered to the ship. He felt bad accepting such an expensive gift, but Allie told him not to look at it like that.

“I need to make sure my team has the best gear I can get them, LT,” she reminded him. “You know what it's like to get that standard-issue crappy Alliance stuff. I won't have my ground teams fighting next to me wearing basic armor.”

She said it with such finality Kaidan knew there would be no point in arguing. He tried to look at it as just an issued item, one he would turn in when his time on the Normandy was done. He turned the helmet over in his hands and froze when he thought heard a sniffle. He held his breath, wondering if he was hearing things, then replaced his helmet when he heard it again. “Hello?” he whispered loudly, not wanting to wake Garrus or Wrex. “Who's here?”

Another sniffle, than a quiet, “It's just me, LT.”

Kaidan grabbed his mug, turned off the hot plate, and hurried to corner furthest from him. When he rounded the front of the Mako, he saw Allie sitting on a crate, staring at a holo on her omnitool. She quickly brushed her hands along her cheek when she saw him approach.

“Commander, are you ok?” he stopped just behind her, not wanting to bother her if she wanted to be alone.

“At the moment, no, not really, but I will be.”

He watched her flip through a few more holos, pausing every so often to sniff and brush her cheeks. He couldn't really see who was in the holos, but he didn't think it was anyone he knew.

“Commander?” His voice was quiet and soothing as he drew near. “What is it? Can I help?”

“Today is the anniversary of the Mindoir raid, Kaidan.” Her voice cracked as she shut down her omnitool. “Today is the day I lost my entire family and nearly all of my friends.”

“Oh, damn.” He closed his eyes, mentally kicking himself for not realizing it sooner. Allie hadn't been herself all day; instead of her normal outgoing nature, she was quiet, withdrawn, and moody. He'd asked her a couple of times what was going on and if she was ok, but she brushed him off each time. Her behavior puzzled everyone else, too. He was surprised no one managed to connect the dots and felt especially guilty _he_ hadn't connected the dots. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Build a time machine and get my family back?” Her voice was bitter, angry, and unlike anything he heard from her before. She sighed and hung her head. “I'm sorry, Kaidan. This isn't your fault.”

“Do you want to be left alone?” he asked. He had no idea what to do for her and didn't want to make her feel worse.

“Actually, I really need some company. Maybe a hug or two, if you don't mind disregarding the regs for a few minutes.”

He could hear the pain in her voice and set his mug on the floor snug against the crate. She scooted over so he could sit down and instantly folded against him when he wrapped his arms around her. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of her shampoo and the bare hint of ozone from her biotics. He nestled his cheek against the top of her head, his heart breaking when she finally let her emotions go.

He didn't say anything as she mourned the loss of her family – her mom and dad died trying to buy her and her little sister more time to get away. Her sister was shot in the back. Allie almost got taken herself as a batarian chased her down and tackled her. “I fought back, though,” she said, her voice filled with pride. “That fucker only had three eyes left when the Alliance got hold of him. He broke my jaw, though, almost got a slave collar on me.”

She shuddered at the memory, a fresh wave of tears coursing down her cheeks. “I hope you don't think any less of me for this,” she sobbed. “I just... it's been years and you'd think I'd be over it by now. Moved on. Whatever.”

“Allie, everyone grieves in their own time,” he said. “I know it's nothing compared to what you went through, but my Nonny died almost ten years ago. At first it was hard... Christmas, her birthday, you know?” He risked kissing the top of her head when she nodded. “But it got easier. Every once in a while, though, something will make me think of her and it will hurt just as much as the day we lost her. I can't imagine what that hurt is like for you and I'm not going to pretend I can. Grief isn't a straight line and I certainly don't think any less of you for needing this.”

“You might not, but I'm sure there are people on this ship who would,” she sniffed. “I mean, I'm Commander fucking Shepard. Hero of Elysium. First Human Spectre. I'm supposed to just suck it up and drive on. Not look weak... not make humanity look bad.”

A touch of anger bubbled up in Kaidan's chest at her words. It wasn't enough she had the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders, but to feel like she couldn't grieve a massive loss like this...? Unacceptable.

“Allie, I want you to know I would never, ever judge you for something like this,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head again. “If there's ever a time you find you're missing your family, let me know. You shouldn't have to do this alone.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, pressing herself tighter against him.

Kaidan didn't know how long they stayed like that – his arms wrapped around her, offering whatever compassion he could, thankful she was comfortable enough to let him try and help. He wanted in the worst way to be able to build her that time machine or at the very least take away some of her anguish.

When she sat up and moved away from him, she wiped the palms of her hands hard along her cheeks, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. “I'm sorry if I got your shirt a little wet,” she sighed, placing a hand on his chest. “I can make sure it gets laundered, if you want.”

“It'll dry,” he assured her, covering her hand with his own and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Do you feel any better.”

“A little.” She offered him a tiny smile.

“You should probably try to get some sleep,” he said, pushing himself off the crate. “I know Dr. Chakwas is asleep, but if you want something to help you out, I might have some stuff in my kit.”

“No, thank you,” she said, leaning back. “I think I'm going to stay down here a while longer. We've got about another day of travel, so it isn't like I have to lead a ground mission in the morning or anything.”

Kaidan nodded, reluctant to leave her alone again. “Are you sure you're ok? I'll stay with you as long as you want me to.”

Allie slid off the crate and placed a tender hand against Kaidan's cheek. “I'll be ok. I mean, not in the next five minutes, but I will be.”

She stood on her tiptoes and gently kissed his cheek. “Thank you for this, Kaidan. It did help.”

“You're welcome. You know where to find me if you need a shoulder again.”

He picked his mug off the floor and watched as she fired up her omnitool again. This time, instead of tears, there was the faintest hint of a smile on her face. In that moment, Kaidan knew his heart was hers and he vowed to do whatever he could to help her if she felt like this again.


End file.
